so... motivation for that topic has been lost, I have a better idea.

I thought after watching the state of the union address would motivate me to send out a nice, or not so nice political message. However, taking the time to discuss the situation with some fellow collegians, and listening to some country music, I have lost all motivation to rant. Sorry for those of you waiting for another of my apparently well known rants. :/ You'll have to wait until the next massively annoying subject arises.

On to bigger and better things now. Scholarship season is upon us. Which means essay writing will be my main task for the next month or so. No big deal, I generally enjoy the topics chosen, and I have taken the day to narrow down the topics of choice to the ones that I feel I can accomplish and have a good chance to compete. there are a couple that I am really excited about this year, one by the seven fund (they usually have pretty good stuff), called The Morality of Profit. It's designed to make the younger generation think about the moral centers behind the large companies who exploit so many communities for money. everything from gangs who charge protection to the innocent little baker on the corner, to the sex traffickers snuggling women over the borders, to Wal-mart and other large chains making millions of dollars off of the average working man during this great recession. I'll save the rest for the essay I have to write. It's due at the end of February, so I'll probably have some clips up in the next two weeks. :)

Another project is more artsy. A 2 dimensional medium of the applicants choice to represent the true meaning of beauty. It's run by a non-profit group, girls helping girls, geared to showing girls and young women that the true meaning of beauty isn't what is shown in the magazines, or on gossip girl, or 90210. truly beautiful women are the ones who touch your life with their hearts. I mean, this is a message I have been helping the Girl Scouts of the USA get across for years, all of my delegate work and the committee meetings geared to the re-vamp of the whole system; it all had a point. To build girls of courage confidence and character, who make the world a better place. So I am really excited to help this group who has the same goals in mind. (plus I get to play with paint :P) But that isn't due til the end of may, so I don't think i will get around to it until the end of the semester, after I worry about my finals. It'll be a nice way to relax after all that tension.

finding all these dates and putting them down has reminded me to get myself organized for the next week or so of stuff. Two exams coming up, lots of stress. I may be spending far more time than usual in the gym just to get all the built up energy out. The only thing frustrating about hte gym is that when you run, you don't go anywhere. Which isn't the reason I want to run. So I may in fact be finding the other trail head for that path on the edge of campus before the week is out. hmm we will see; school must come first, stress relief second, sleep third. Oh the life of a college student!

Oh, by the way, last night was a full moon; and life was just as insane as one would expect on a full moon night. The weather changed from the brilliant beach day of Friday, to the depressing drizzle of a stay inside day.

The World Watches

Obama is giving his state of the union address, watch live on cnn.com, will post my ideas later :)

-Takes a moment to rant aimlessly and sound dumb-

So this is going to sound fully and completely ignorant of me, seeing as I am dating a native, but there are alot of Singaporean bloggers! I mean honestly, I have been flipping aimlessly through blogs via the "next blog" button so aptly provided me, and after ten blogs, I have come across, 6 schools (all in Singapore), one city girl displaced to the country with her new hubby, a similar girl placed in Savannah, an emo chick who honestly made me want to shoot myself for reading her stuff, and one other Singaporean, IDK how old she is, but she sounds about my age, and just as bored, as she ranted about what she saw on the news at the moment. Just throwing that random side-note out there.

I have also discovered that the best (scratch that, only) thing on TV at 5 in the morning is... nothing. There's a few old guys selling CD's and Telemundo's version of the body-shaper. At this point I might as well just go to bed, which sounds like a good idea actually, and sounds like what I should be doing, but we all know I don't always listen to my instincts on this matter.

In rejection of the television, I have chosen the Across The Universe soundtrack, a good play on the beetles if you ask me, and an excellent movie. the cast did a good job in pulling out the screenplay writers intentions here; though I like to give the credit to the sexiness that is Jim Sturgess. His remake of revolution kinda makes me wanna travel back to the 60's and punch a few radicals. -just had a thought- The idea of punching a few 60's radicals reminds me of Forest Gump, "I'm sorry I ruined your Black Panther party Jen-nay". xD

Though these movies coming out the past twenty years or so tend to play lightly on the sacrifices of the soldiers and draftee's of the Vietnam War; I am sure every American is grateful for the effort, and the sacrifice put forth by our brave soldiers on the front lines everyday, defending our freedoms, so that we can continue our lives happily, and blissfully ignorant stateside. As Brown so Zac choicely puts it:

I thank God for my life
And for the stars and stripes
May freedom forever fly, let it ring.
Salute the ones who died
The ones that give their lives so we don`t have to sacrifice
All the things we love

we should all take the time to appreciate a soldier, or the family of a soldier. Because it is easy to forget the sacrifices of the family members of our brave countrymen and women; giving their children, fathers, mothers, spouses, and loved ones up.

Now that I am done with my gratitude rant for the day, we will move on to the song I have had stuck in my head ALL DAY. Must Be Doin' Somethin Right, by the great country star, Billy Currington. However, in looking up the video to put here, I have decided it is dumb. Totally off topic, I mean, what does running on the beach have to do with this song. GRRRRR

Now that that moment was ruined, I'll post a clip that is going to make me happy again as only peanut can do.



LOL only peanut can make me laugh that much over the dumbest little things. Anyhow I am heading to bed now, night all! :)

everything is compared to something

What measure do people use to gauge their emotions? I have always compared my emotions to other experiences I have, or to experiences of others that I know. But there must be some norm of emotional description that I am missing out on, or maybe that is right under my nose but I refuse to see. After all, not everyone can scientifically reason their emotions against a numerical scale, which is, in essence, what I have been doing for the past 15 years of my life. I had thought that taking a system of measurement and modifying it to accuracy was the best method of development. Much like our modern system of measurement; created over thousands of years, changing with the times to suit the people using it. That's what I have been doing, developing a system to suit me. But what if I was wrong? What if the system I have been using is faulty, hard to use, in short, complete shit? Maybe I should change to the metric system, universal, easy to transpose, less complex. Measures of ten are easier to memorize than 16 cups to the gallon.



You may be wondering what brought about this rant; I have been thinking back to a conversation I had with my significant other, about my mother, and how I measure her emotion. I have been comparing myself to my siblings, to my father, to my friends, for all these years; why? What good has it done me? Why can't I simply say this is the emotion, and this is the degree to which I feel it? why must it be "so and so is happier than me"? Such negative thinking does nothing for me, and it means that I don't have a problem with "so and so" being happier than me, but I have a problem with myself. But today that changes. When this conversation took place, I was blown away at the statement "why must you compare yourself to others?". I didn't understand how all of my stress could be tied to such a simple question. Since then I have continually thought, while I use such comparisons, "why am i doing this? why do I have to compare my self to 'so and so'?". And today, I realize that I don't have to make those comparisons anymore, I am stronger than that. I have no need to scale myself against another; at least not in a negative way. :)



I have a very wise man to thank for this revelation today. His words, as always, float in my head while I ponder everything from the complexity of the universe, to my next meal. It was he who told me, "There is always a solution to all issues". You are right darling, once I understand that there is a solution to all issues, the answer comes out of the shadows and reveals itself. :)

An Admission, A Realization, and My Appreciation

I am having a big issue today with my own confidence. I know I have just written a small book on how I am getting my life in order, and how I want to be my own person not caring what others think. But it is HARD. Going from the position of constantly caring about what everyone thinks about me, to not paying attention to those thoughts, is like splitting my brain into two personalities and locking them in separate interrogation rooms to play good cop bad cop. It's just impractical. I am not saying that I want to go back to the place I was say the beginning of last semester; but I won't immediately be at the place I want to achieve. That's kinda what makes it a long term goal. lol It will take me some time, and quite a bit of introspection to be able to walk in a room and not wonder what everyone who looks in my direction is wondering.



I had a great conversation with one of my best friends last night; we both wonder what it is that can make people wake up happy in the morning, what is it that has people smiling when they wake up everyday, which keeps them from being phased by all the shit life throws at you on a daily basis. And this morning I had a revelation. This is going to sound cheesy, but the answer is love. Those days that you wake up and remember how much you are loved, are the days you wake up with a smile on your face. The times that I wake up thinking about the people I love and the people who love me, those are the good days. :)



What I am appreciative for: I appreciate everyone who has been putting up with me (for the past few days especially). I know following along with my thought process isn't the most entertaining thing to do in the world, but writing this down helps me to remember all the things I am truly blessed with in this life.

In a vain attempt to remain interested in Dr. Hanne's lectures

I have said that History of civilization is one of my most favorite classes this semester, and that is still true. But I just want to toss out there that, though I love the class, that doesn't mean that I agree with all the ideas presented in the lectures. But I do understand that in order to understand the actions of many people in this world, we must understand their religious beliefs and in most cases learn to fully embrace their choice of religion. I am all for making your own decision, as I know that with out the freedom to choose, we would be nowhere. Which leads me for a side note that I promised- I am grateful that I have been given the ability to choose. Be it the choice of religion, speech, to give life, it is something that I have the ability to decide 100% on my own- now that's done with back to the point. :)

To learn history, we, of course, had to begin with the debate on evolution versus creationism. I know, oh! run away don't talk about it! avoid at all costs! religious talk! But hey, you chose to be here so suck it up.

The basic debate is not whether or not evolution happened, or is happening, I can obviously see the reality in that. But the question on people's minds is, should it be taught in schools? I believe that if we can teach other old scientific theories and laws that have been dis proven, then we sure as hell can teach BOTH very live theories such as creationism and evolutionism. Obviously we have all learned about evolution in our Biology classes, or perhaps not, but the trend is leaning more towards knowledge of evolution, and the shunning of religious beliefs on the topic. I am not too shaken up on this fact, though I more likely should be, I am not going to be the type of Christian who sticks their head in the sand and chooses not to know about such things because it may up-heave my beliefs. But rather, I will learn all that I can about it in the hopes of finding an explanation that I can live with.

There is plenty of evidence we have seen of how animals have evolved from water dwellers into earth walkers, and fliers. In fact there is evidence of modern evolution, occurring right now in human bodies. bacteria, they constantly are adapting to avoid the attacks of anti-biotics. We have evidence of their evolution to become resistant to drugs, from their point of view, to avoid death. lol But there is no definitive evidence to show directly where humans are on this chain. Sure you can say that the human species came from monkeys, or you can say they were dropped on earth by the divine hand of God, if you're that eccentric you could even say the spaghetti monster ate a couple of cows and some small dogs, chewed it up, and spit out a man. In fact, looking at the Biological definition of evolution (the concept that all organisms are related to one another by common ancestry), and looking at the fact that the gene system (DNA) in every living organism on the planet, and noting that all organisms share the same DNA (but not the same combinations of said DNA), we cannot deny that evolution, in the definition of the term is a reality.

In the new age, we are mostly at a stage of wondering "where are humans along the evolutionary spectrum, and how do the religious beliefs of our ancestors play a role in it?" rather than "evolution or creationism; which is true?".

Speaking from a Judeo-Christian Point of view, one could say many things varying from a literal interpretation of the scripture text, to the days of creation were large spans of time on earth, to intelligent design. Though each belief system has it's merits, there are many faults. we are reliant upon a few passages from thousands of years ago, passed down by word of mouth for most of their existence. Anyone who has played a game of telephone knows that once more than two people have heard the story it can change from Jonah's ship was capsized by the breaching of a whale, to Jonah was swallowed alive and spit back out on the shore.

That is not to say that evolution is without its own flaws; the largest being a lack of enough empirical evidence to support the theory past a "high likelihood". Staunch believers of this theory sit in wait for more evidence to tap them on the shoulders, hoping they haven't just spent their lives to die without finding definitive evidence.

The main critique of creationism is that it is faith based or tradition based more compared to the hyper-logical ways of the Scientific Method; but we forget that evolutionism is entirely based on Darwinism and the major followers of Darwin. Does this not make evolutionism a modern day Christianity? Which is based on the Lord, His Son, and the major followers (the apostles)? Just because Darwin is 1800 years newer, shinier, and labeled a scientist, does that mean he is any more correct?

They say that when you are guessing the answers to a question, go with your gut, it's usually correct, and over analyzing the question only leads you to second guess your choice and change it to one that you may find more logical but in the end is wrong?

Once again I would like to reiterate my gratitude at having the choice to pick my beliefs :)

The New Year is upon us and I need to get my ass in gear.

So this may seemed a bit jumbled until I get my ideas in full order again, but as my followers, I assume y'all will get it soon enough. :)

We will start with the issues I have had this past semester as a whole. i need to be straight with you in order to start fresh. I have lied, skipped classes, failed classes, skipped out on homework because I didn't see it as worth the effort, not taken proper time with my scriptures as I should have, convinced myself that I was right when I was wrong, and most of all, I have taken EVERYTHING I should cherish for granted which caused me to fall into a depression from which I am only now rising. I don't want to concentrate on the past, as it won't help anything if I waste time explaining it rather than using my time wisely enough to fix myself. so with that I will move right along. :)


Things to fix:
1. school must get back on track
2. finances must be put in order, no more of this floating around on 50 cents in my pocket crap.
3. stop taking things for granted
4. make sure I am showing the real me to the world, not the facade I have grown so accustomed to putting up.
5. get my image in order, I need to be happy with myself. this is going to be one of the few times in my life where I am going to be selfish and take what I want.


How I am going to fix it:
1. i. go to all of my classes

I didn't really go to all of my classes last semester, and I lied about it, I don't know why I did it or why I lied. Maybe it has something to do with my need to know how far I can push people. I get a thrill from deceiving people, so I had developed a tendency to chase that thrill, much like an addict chases their drug. I'm not proud of it but I am fixing it by cutting out the lying, and from this point forth, I will go to all of my classes, the only valid excuse for missing classes is going to be deathly illness or a death in my family (the things that are qualified as excuses to the college)

ii. take notes by hand so that my laptop doesn't distract me (I'm kinda of glad that teachers are becoming more and more anti-lappytoppy :)

I have made it my goal to write all my notes out by hand as the laptop tends to die at the most inconvenient times for one, and for two it is WAY too big a distraction. Besides, I learn better when I write it all out by hand. :) I think it made me feel better about myself to be able to cart it to class and be in constant contact, but it's just too much of a hastle and one that I would rather confine to my room. I had thought it would be better to be technologically connected to the world at all times, but during my stay at home over Christmas, I realized that my life is so much less stressful when I don't respond to every text within 5 minutes and every Facebook post within ten minutes. people like me just as much when I respond 5 hours later as they did when I responded instantaneously. Why I worried about what people thought of me over Facebook only shows that kids in today's society need to remember what is really important to social living, face to face interactions; or at least online contact with depth and meaning.

iii. DO ALL OF MY WORK and be held accountable for it.

This is where my friends come in, I need to get out of my procrastination mode and half-assing my work mindset. I have to hold myself responsible for my own work, a form of growing up if you will. I need y'all to help me keep myself in line by not letting me get by with phrases like "I'll do it later" or "I'll get it done" because it never works out that way, and I am sick of the stress it brought upon me. I used to think that if I didn't make myself available to people when they wanted to talk to me, that they wouldn't be friends with me, but I have also noticed that my friends are much deeper than that, and the one's I choose to keep around will do anything and everything they can for me, giving up themselves just as I would give up myself for them. Deep down I have always known that was the answer, but I used it as an excuse to avoid things. This Cannot Continue. Nick, darling, I am putting you in charge of this, because you're the one who gets it through my thick skull the best. I can blow off other people's words when I choose to, but yours hang in my head until I listen. :) We talk all the time about how school is important, and it must come first, and we both know you're right. lol

iv. keep up with my grades, and double check my transcripts (to make sure I didn't shoot myself in the foot too bad last semester, cause to this point I have been too fearful to look at them)

I will check on my grades as often as they are posted, fearful of the result or not. Fear can only be overcome by jumping head-on into the fire. Fear is a silly emotion in today's world, at least in this sense. I have no reason to fear what I myself have earned. My grades are a representation of the work I put into them, if I cannot be proud of them then I have to go back up to part i and ii and rethink my processes. As for double checking the transcripts, -sighs- that will be more difficult, I have no idea how to even go about that. Note to self- find this answer.

v. study on a daily basis rather than a late night crunch time.

I think this will help me in the long run, more than the practices I was using anyhow. The "I study better at night" line is crap and I know it, so from here on out I will prove to myself that I can be better than this. besides, I retain the information better if i go over it constantly rather than once a week or month, plus it helps me to be more productive in class if I truly know what is going on.

2. My finances, hmm, well I need to set my goals first I guess, so I have a direction to move in, then set up a plan to move in that direction. Goal- Be completely self sufficient. Sounds lowly yet lofty huh? lol How to accomplish it-
i. get a job- no more excuses Amy, they get you no where but farther down.

this is going to be harder than it sounds, in this economy, with my schedule, hmm, but it can be done I believe, so long as I try hard enough. It's all about how badly I want it. I am a hard worker, perfectly capable of maintaining a job and school, I have proved that already, though some would consider that attempt a failure, we aren't here to debate that fact. Nor do I care to debate it with you.

ii. figure out what the hell is up with my loans this semester

avoiding things doesn't mean they will go away. I swore I would never turn out like my mother, but to this point I have proven that I am more like her than I care to admit. =/

iii. once I get these settled we can move on from here. lol this is new territory for me so lets take it one step at a time.

3. Stop taking things for granted-

For the most part I have fixed this already, but I know that it is a constant process, one that is always in motion. so I will start with a list of things I am thankful for, and every post from here on out will list at least one thing I am thankful for in my blessed life.

things I am thankful for:
-My family- they do so much for me, and lately I have taken that for granted, I am lucky to be blessed with such great people in my life.
-My friends- I have lost regular contact with so many people who make me happy, and that has to be rectified, be expecting phones calls :) those of you whom I speak to every day, I do love you guys, and you have all helped me realize what it means to be a good person in this world.
-My WONDERFUL, AMAZING, LOVING boyfriend Nick- I had come to think that certain things are a constant, and I remember now that nothing is a given, every moment is a gift given to us.
-Myself- I am glad that I am alive, to touch and be touched by so many people, when we are reminded of all the people who have lost their lives senselessly, we remember that each moment is a gift from God, one to be cherished and not soon forgotten.

4. The real me- I need to start showing this more and more often. lol

I honestly don't know why I am afraid to show this to people, all the time I mean. It comes out in bits and pieces now and again. There are some people who I have been straight up with the whole time I have known them, but those are only my most recent relationships, a few people from junior year of high school and a few from as recently as last semester basically; and even then only the ones who mattered most to me. Perhaps I was afraid of the person I was, or worried that someone wouldn't accept me. but that isn't the case anymore. I don't care if people accept me for me, the one's who are accepting are the ones I will want to be around anyhow.

5. Selfish time- my spirituality is in jeopardy here.

I haven't taken the proper time lately to dedicate to myself. expect to find me without my cell phone or laptop more often as I am finding overuse to mess with my grip on reality. My regular Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday gym schedule will be put back into play as the time focusing on a monotonous task such as the treadmill gets my head on straight and allows me to think about what I have to do, want to do, and am doing with my life.

Well, now that this is all out, I will leave y'all to absorb the information and continue my more philosophical rant on another post. :D